10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT GTAIV

GTA IV is finally out - after a six month delay, and everyone has nothing but unconditional love for the game. 6 million units sold and half a billion dollars generated in its first week since launch. Review scores are virtually bulletproof with the 360 version sitting at a 98.4% aggregate score and the PS3 version at 99%. In an attempt to counterbalance the weight of the praise being heaped onto it I present a list of 10 things I hate about Grand Theft Auto IV.

10. The fact that it’s not the revolutionary game I secretly hoped it would be.

9. The gunplay. Crackdown did it better. How does the highest rated game of all-time get away with a 7 year old shooting mechanic?

8. Hand-to-hand combat. Shenmue did it better and that game was made last millennium! Get with the program people.

7. Vehicle handling. Turning at speeds greater than 30mph inevitably results in over or undershooting your turn. Sure you’ll eventually get the hang of it but many pedestrians will pay with their lives long before that happens.

6. The non-stop media hype machine promoting it. I’m sick of hearing moneyhatted game critics proclaiming the era of true movie/game integration has finally been ushered in by way of its release. GTA IV is not The Godfather.

5. Only 15 different multiplayer game types? Whaaaa? Is that all about?! Just kidding, that’s a freakin’ lot of damn multiplayer game types, yo. But only one map.

4. Thinking of 10 things I hate about the game while simultaneously deriving incredible joy from actually playing it.

3. Less vehicles, weapons, story missions, character customization, and overall real estate (compared to San Andreas) = “everything we were entitled to expect, and ... more.”?*

*Xbox World 360

2. Open world gameplay still doesn’t allow for accurate recreation of 9/11 government conspiracy.

1. The fact that I genuinely cannot think of 10 different things I hate about it.